Saturday, June 06, 2009

What happens when you hit him...

What Happens when you hit him…A strange thing happens…A rush of blood boils and there’s a ringing in your ears so high it hurts your eyes, and everything is too clear. Then there’s the silence. Your arms are liquid, and you hear this loud noise. Then you look at yourself and see yourself screaming. Then you strike and it stuns you. It stuns you because it’s not enough. So you do it again, and again, trying to fill up this silence.When I realize I’ve gotten him to that place where I am, where we’re on autopilot and our faces don’t look like us anymore, I get exhilarated, because he sees me. We’re together again. I’m not sorry. I’ll look down and realize I’ve been walking for a while now. I know I can’t go back until I’m sorry. Sometimes he’ll be talking and I’ll think, “Jass, I want to hit you.” Sometimes I’ll pick a fight and hope we’ll get to that point again. It’s like a rush. Sometimes it’s the only way I know he’s here. It feels good.I don’t know. I know now what it takes for me to get there, and I don’t even go near that anger anymore. Not because of them, but because I’m scared I won’t stop. We’ve both been at the height of our ugliness, and saw it in each other. It didn’t scare me…I loved him then too. I’ll go numb and I’ll see everything in extreme close-ups…his nostrils, the corner house door, the nail on the wall. My mind will not think. I remember the whole time thinking how strange it was that I can’t think. So I’ll go, “Ok, ok, ok.” trying to think. I feel nothing. I’ll try to feel sorry or something soft, but it won’t come. It’s hard to say; I’ll be completely aware of myself, but feel absolutely nothing. No remorse, no shock. It’s like I die. I’m an empty shell for a long time…and I wouldn’t mind dying, because there’s nothing left and I can’t imagine feeling that intensely about anything again. This is all me. I’ll hit him with everything that I have…everything…with all of me. I want to hurt him, and it’s overwhelming how much I try. He stops me with his force, not me. My every intention is to Fuck him up! Smash him! It’s such a burning, hot force and will. It’s pure and focused, and there’s no turning back…and that’s all there is.

Written by: Asanda Phewa